Der Postillon: Alarm on Britt’s Show as Vader’s Paternity is Disproven

Posted: September 24, 2013 in Humor/Satire

Although I’m in the middle of a busy week, this piece from Der Postillon was the perfect diversion.  I guess you can just chalk it up to nerdy nostalgia.

Paternity Test with Britt:  Darth Vader not Luke Skywalker’s Father after All

Hamburg (dpo) – Many have long suspected it, but now it’s official:  During a paternity test on the talkshow “Britt – The Talk at One o’Clock”, it became clear at around 1:34 p.m. that, in all probability, the dark Sith-Lord Darth Vader cannot be the father of Luke Skywalker.  A commotion broke out after that, as the two went after each other with lightsabers.

Skywalker, who had been informed by Vader of the paternity only a few years ago, said he actually just wanted to eliminate any doubt when he contacted the Sat.1 network show.

There was tension even before the test, as Darth Vader complained about his son between labored, asthmatic breaths.  Not only does Skywalker barely look like him, said the commander of the Death Star, he also gravitates toward the exact opposite side of the Force.  After gentle prompting from Britt, Vader set aside the poor resemblance to his black helmet.  The situation grew much worse shortly after the commercial break, however, as Britt revealed the results of the paternity test.  The data prove with 99.93% certainty that Darth Vader is not the father of Luke Skywalker and his twin sister Leia.

Vader greeted the news with these words:  “Now I’m not sorry anymore that I killed your mother, that tart.”

Skywalker rushed at Vader before the shocked audience, setting off an epic lightsaber duel.  Security guards quickly came running, though, and were fortunately able to separate the two enraged warriors.

In the wake of the premature interruption of the broadcast, speculation has begun about the man with whom Skywalker’s mother betrayed Vader.  According to rumors, the only possible candidates are the Imperator, Jabba the Hut and the Wookie Chewbacca.


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